I don't know where to start, I'm just gonna let my thoughts flow from here, and I hope that to whomever is reading this, may you have some form of encouragement or know me better(?).

It's been a long time since I've blogged, but I really just want to write this down as a reminder to myself, because I don't wanna forget this day.

Today I went to church for a meeting, and even before the message was being shared, during praise and worship, I prayed and said something along the lines of, " I've suffered, and I've been through so much, but help me, to do Your work, and I know that I'll have to suffer more, but I'll take it whatever you give to me, make me your vessel". Then guess what, the message that happened to be shared was " Do not stumble on the account of Jesus". Yes as of now you still might not understand what's it all about. I'll summarize everything while sharing my thoughts.

Sometimes we feel that God has delayed His response, that He has denied our requests, and we feel that He has deserted us. I've always felt this from time to time. I've felt alone even though I know I'm not alone.
Sometimes we think that we're the only ones who's not being helped, and we start to doubt ourselves and God.


I'm guilty that I've always felt like that the moment i'm in a hard time and it seems that it's not getting any better. Where are you God? What are you doing? But she shared a verse in which i've heard many many many times. But tonight, it finally sunk deep into my heart, I finally grasp the understanding. The verse goes like this " And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore most gladly I will rather boast in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. "

It struck me, that I've always been complaining about issues in my life and all that and maybe once in a while I know that I've to go through certain stuff to grow but not all. But finally I understand that there are things no matter what we have to grow through even though it might kill us, I believe that God has a plan for all of us, and he has made no mistake in that, and sometimes we need to accept a "No" from God. His ways are higher than ours and we might not understand it but He does.
So we prayed at the end, and I realized I do not have any recollection of my childhood, the first memory of life as it is started when I was primary 4. I don't remember anything before that other than picture memories. At that age, if I were to sum up my life at time point of time, honestly, it would be "Suffering". You might be wondering, what could I possibly be suffering from at that age, I was only 10 years old. But I don't know what was wrong with me then, with a slight family issue, I never really had a "relationship" with my family. I was to myself in my home. I could still say that maybe it has gotten better over the years now, but my family still don't know much about me. At 10, I cried myself to sleep countless time, searched for love in other places, because I couldn't find the love I need at home. I began to break, I don't know if I was in a state of depression or what, but it was really bad, every night I'd think that I should die. I'd dream of death and always wake up in the middle of the night because I dreamt that I died. You know that sudden jerk when you wake up from a nightmare or such that kind of awakening. I would cut myself and bleed and I'll enjoy that pain because somehow it took away the pain of the thoughts. You'd see me with cuts over my wrists, legs, etc. This went on for 3 years. If i wasn't dead physically, I was pretty dead mentally. All I remember from my "childhood" is pain. Yes, there are moments of happiness somewhere along the way, but they do not outweigh the amount of memories of times i've hurt myself. Then, during my sec 1 days, I came to know God. For around 2 years till I'm sec 2 to 3. I believed I changed but then, once again I'm met with the same issues and it haunted me, this time I lost faith, and trust in God, I left. Now I didn't cut myself, but I've almost killed myself twice. Once I opened the windows and grills of my home windows, literally with no hope and anything, I looked down at the bottom, but sooner or later I never had the guts to jump. Second time, I tried to overdose myself with ALOT of different kinds of pills I could find, I practically knocked out but nothing happened to me, and I thank God for that now. So yeah, I've felt countless times of heartbreaking moments in my life. I smoked for about 5 years. Though I tried to stop, but it was never easy. I came back to God when I was 17(?) During that time, I still was my old self, but I've experienced so much of God's love that you know me now as who I am. I believed I changed so much, though the situations might not have changed, but I changed, which really changes the way I see things. As I grew older, I slowly learned how to handle myself, because I look back on my previous times, and I know how much more I've suffered and now I am able to move on easier or have a better mindset on the situations I'm facing. But honestly, tonight of all nights, I finally understand that any hardships, any pain or suffering, I will endure. I will boast in my infirmities, because I realize that of all the things in my life I remember the hard times, but yet what people see is a person who is happy and cheerful, that's because God has kept me positive, and I trust in Him that whatever I go through, it shall be for His Glory. So today, I stand on that promise that His Grace Is Sufficient For Me.

To actually wake up to another day, to put my feet infront of the other, to endure another day. Times 
may come where my faith would be tested and I know that, but I believe whatever it may be, let it be to glorify Him.

Life has never been the same, or I wouldn't even be alive, if it wasn't for His love. I look forward to more change in myself, that I may be able to move from day to day, without any regrets. If you've actually read to this point, I thank you, and if you're not a believer but yet you've read till this point, I hope that one day you too would come to know of this exact love that I know. I never believed in a God, till I experienced it for myself. We've got nothing to lose, but everything to gain. All I had to do, was believe and that changed the course of my life. I pray for you who is reading this, that whatever you're going through right now, I pray that you would understand the bigger picture, and have a understanding of why you go through such things, there's always something to learn from hardships in life, and I pray that you would not lose hope or faith or love, but grow with every encounter. I pray that you will become greater and pray that you know that you are loved. Amen. If God can change me, He definitely can change you too.