Hello! Its been a super long time, i just felt like blogging cause I don't know who else to talk to about stuff. All I can do is to keep to myself these things that I don't show to the world. Nobody actually reads this blog anymore anyways, so if you're seeing this, you're lucky (:
Recently, life hasn't been all that well, but still spiritually stable. But then my mind is really playing with me. I don't know whats going on anymore. Everything seems out of place. Or maybe I'm the one just not in place.
I've been working for the past 6-7 weeks. Though it's just office job, its tiring at times to the brain, always afraid if something might go wrong. And recently there was this girl, who became close to me after a period of time, and she was really being nice to me, or way too nice, one day I had a bad headache and wasn't feeling well, and she wrote my name on a whiteboard, and took a picture of it with herself in it, and she accidentally sent it to her boyfriend, and then he got jealous and they quarrel, and kind of broke up? Though I know it's not my fault, but i still feel bad, this wouldn't have happened, if i wasn't being nice, if i didnt continue the conversation, if I didnt care. It just felt like just because I was being myself, I caused this to happen..Do I care too much? Is being me bad? I've never felt this way for a long time, and now it came back to haunt me.
There's this other girl, whom is a friend of my friend's.. she one day just pass me her number and ask me to text her, so I did. She was having some problem, so I just listen to her ranting on whatsapp. After that she wanted to call me, so okay I picked up. We talked till late. But then, she got dependent on me, and gradually wanted to call me all the time. It's not that I don't want to pick up, but I need to create a boundary. The words they say to me, just gives me the wrong vibe, and i don't want it to continue that way. Maybe I am thinking wrongly, but if any of you were me, you'd feel the same way.
My friend said this to me today, " You always friend-zone all those people who go after you. " Now that I think about it, I actually do. I'm just too afraid to fall again, everyone of them in the past only made use of me. I'm not just some toy that entertains you and then you throw me away after you're satisfied. What am I to do. I just can't seem to fall for anyone or even think of doing so.
Plus, seriously... look at me. What do I have that's worth being with someone. I've got no looks. Though I think I just look okay.. but never good enough. I'm just really afraid. Till recently, until I saw this person, and I said to myself I want to get to know this person and soon enough I did. But then, i never knew it'd come this far. I'd never expect this. And I can't deny my heart, but my mind tells me otherwise. Because of everything that happened before, there's just no way that this will happen. And is so early! Whats wrong with you(My heart), you seriously have some issues. Stop, seriously you're going to hurt yourself again. Don't do that. This mind wouldnt take it either. I'd rather be single, than to go through another hurt. I can still love and help people.
I can still live life. I have my God with me through life. I'll love with all my heart, but I just don't think there's someone who would want to accept it. I give up trying too. There's just no way. I already prepared myself for a single life for a long time. There's no way I am going to let myself get hurt. No no no. Rather not fall in love and be hurt again. Argh. I'm such a retarded person. I have all these in my mind and yet i've never said it out. Not to anyone.
But I guess this is where I come to, when I have no one. I'm back to the place, where as I type and tears flow and my heart cry. Don't be stupid Yoga. She'll never be, stop trying. These are just pure coincidence. Nothing special. Yeap thats right!
Keep the friendship, Don't lose it. You'll never have another friend like her.
I've been working for the past 6-7 weeks. Though it's just office job, its tiring at times to the brain, always afraid if something might go wrong. And recently there was this girl, who became close to me after a period of time, and she was really being nice to me, or way too nice, one day I had a bad headache and wasn't feeling well, and she wrote my name on a whiteboard, and took a picture of it with herself in it, and she accidentally sent it to her boyfriend, and then he got jealous and they quarrel, and kind of broke up? Though I know it's not my fault, but i still feel bad, this wouldn't have happened, if i wasn't being nice, if i didnt continue the conversation, if I didnt care. It just felt like just because I was being myself, I caused this to happen..Do I care too much? Is being me bad? I've never felt this way for a long time, and now it came back to haunt me.
There's this other girl, whom is a friend of my friend's.. she one day just pass me her number and ask me to text her, so I did. She was having some problem, so I just listen to her ranting on whatsapp. After that she wanted to call me, so okay I picked up. We talked till late. But then, she got dependent on me, and gradually wanted to call me all the time. It's not that I don't want to pick up, but I need to create a boundary. The words they say to me, just gives me the wrong vibe, and i don't want it to continue that way. Maybe I am thinking wrongly, but if any of you were me, you'd feel the same way.
My friend said this to me today, " You always friend-zone all those people who go after you. " Now that I think about it, I actually do. I'm just too afraid to fall again, everyone of them in the past only made use of me. I'm not just some toy that entertains you and then you throw me away after you're satisfied. What am I to do. I just can't seem to fall for anyone or even think of doing so.
Plus, seriously... look at me. What do I have that's worth being with someone. I've got no looks. Though I think I just look okay.. but never good enough. I'm just really afraid. Till recently, until I saw this person, and I said to myself I want to get to know this person and soon enough I did. But then, i never knew it'd come this far. I'd never expect this. And I can't deny my heart, but my mind tells me otherwise. Because of everything that happened before, there's just no way that this will happen. And is so early! Whats wrong with you(My heart), you seriously have some issues. Stop, seriously you're going to hurt yourself again. Don't do that. This mind wouldnt take it either. I'd rather be single, than to go through another hurt. I can still love and help people.
I can still live life. I have my God with me through life. I'll love with all my heart, but I just don't think there's someone who would want to accept it. I give up trying too. There's just no way. I already prepared myself for a single life for a long time. There's no way I am going to let myself get hurt. No no no. Rather not fall in love and be hurt again. Argh. I'm such a retarded person. I have all these in my mind and yet i've never said it out. Not to anyone.
But I guess this is where I come to, when I have no one. I'm back to the place, where as I type and tears flow and my heart cry. Don't be stupid Yoga. She'll never be, stop trying. These are just pure coincidence. Nothing special. Yeap thats right!
Keep the friendship, Don't lose it. You'll never have another friend like her.